debralallen.com | Debra Allen's musings on life, love and ministry

Are You Somebody’s Reward?

February 22, 2012 in marriage, relationships, wives instruction with 0 Comments

“Live happily with the woman you love . . . The wife God gives you is your reward for your earthly toil.” (Ecclesiastes 9:9)

At first glance, these words could seem to be primarily instruction for husbands — and perhaps they are. I suppose it could mean, ‘Come on, Guys, be happy, kind, excited about this woman God has given you. She’s a gift to you. Be thankful.’

Now if I were a husband reading that verse, hopefully I would see it that way.

But, I (as a wife) saw it this way:

When my husband gets done with his work day, does he see spending his evening with me as a “reward” for his hard work?

Am I a pleasant, welcome sight to him?

Is he glad he gets to come home to me?

Do I make it a good place so that he can “live happily” with me here?

My heart’s desire is really to be Scott’s heart’s desire. There’s no greater joy than knowing that he sees me as the “best part of his day.” It’s not always easy, and some days I’m not exactly Mrs. Sunshine, but on purpose I can decide how I will act at the end of a day.

Will I be a dream . . . . or will I be a Dud? What about you?

Boys.

February 21, 2012 in children, family, imagination with 0 Comments

Boys are cool.

And they are very different than girls. They can make noises at a very early age that girls simply cannot do. Sound effects from a boy child far surpass real life, I think. Amazing and creative. Imagination in the flesh. Boys.

They are different from girls and Proverbs 22 helps us see how we are to mold and encourage our kids – with unique styles and direction.

Proverbs 22:6 needs to be read in a few different Bible versions to get the true meaning.

“Point your kids in the right direction — when they are old they won’t be lost.” (The Message)

“Direct your children onto the right path, and when they are older, they will not leave it.” (NLT)

My personal favorite is the Amplified version: “Train up a child in the way he should go [and in keeping with his individual gift or bent] and when he is old he will not depart from it.”

If you have more than one child (or have even seen more than one), you know that two children, raised in the same home, by the same parents – all things being equal – will have completely different personalities, gifts, talents, likes and passions.

As parents, we are to train, direct, help and nurture the gifts in our kids . . . one on one, individually. Support their inclinations . . . watch them to see what energizes them and makes them tick.

Be aware. Then be their biggest fan, best support to help them get to where they should go.

Every Wife Should Know . . .

February 20, 2012 in husbands, love, marriage, romance, wives instruction with 0 Comments

”No one plays as significant a role in meeting a man’s unique needs as his wife.” (From Saving Your Marriage Before It Starts, Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott)

In their book, the Parrotts explain that some of our husband’s most basic needs are:

He needs to be admired. A man needs to be appreciated — his worth is measured through his achievements, whether big or small. Recognize them. “Men derive their worth more from what they do, while women derive their worth more from who they are.” This must be genuine — He will know if you mean it. Don’t fake it. Loving words, kind words will make a significant impact. We girls have lots of words to use — use yours where they will count.

He needs to have autonomy. Men need some space. They deal with stress best by first having some time to themselves. Women tend to like to talk about things, but men need “time to regroup.” It’s normal for them to come home from work and want to read the paper, or watch tv to clear their minds. Given a little time, they’ll be better able to re-enter your world.

He needs shared activity. “One of the great gaps between husbands and wives is in their notions of emotional intimacy. For most women, intimacy means sharing secrets, talking things over, cuddling, and so on. But a man builds intimacy differently. He connects by doing things together.” Knowing that, find things that you can do together. Don’t be surprised if he wants to run your errands with you sometimes. He likes to do things with you. Your involvement in things he likes to do will make his day.

Although the Parrotts don’t mention it in this chapter, I would like to add one more “husband need” – Physical touch. Your touch will communicate to one of your husband’s love languages. A hug, a kiss, a touch — these will go a long way.

Relationships begin on the phone.

February 18, 2012 in marriage, relationships with 0 Comments

No matter if you have been married for one month or almost 30 years, there is always something to learn about your spouse. Yes, always.

During a conversation with my son several months ago, we decided that people should be learning, growing, changing in some way every day. Something about life should be changing you – molding you, transforming you. If this is happening to two people in a marriage, then every day should provide opportunity for conversation — a catching up. Thus, no room for boredom. Or rather, there should continue to be discovery.

Remember when you and your spouse were first getting to know each other? Did you spend hours talking til the wee hours of the morning? Or on the phone with each other for hours (yes hours!) at at time? I remember. It seemed we never ran out of things to talk about. Discovery is a wonderful thing. ReDiscovery is a good thing too.

This is a good quest. If it’s been a while since you asked the questions you interviewed each other about while you were dating, it may be time to ask them again. Try it.

Start with some basics. Then get more in depth.

What’s their favorite meal that you share together?

What would they like to do for a weekend getaway?

What’s their favorite color (today)?

If they could buy a new car, what would it be?

What are they hoping to accomplish within the next 6 months?

Any goals you can be in agreement with them about?

Anything you can do to help them achieve a dream or two?

What impacted them the most about their day yesterday or today?

These may seem like odd questions if you are not used to asking things like this, but in order to keep your relationship fresh, you must talk to each other and on purpose see if you can learn something new every day.

Is it time for a rediscovery? Agree together to keep it interesting. Agree to be interesting yourself.

A daughter/bride moment snuck up on me

February 16, 2012 in children, relationships, wedding with 0 Comments

While we continue to sail along toward Nicole’s wedding, every once in a while something will suddenly hit me — and I find myself holding back tears. Some realities cause those.

Major transitions in your children’s lives can have some emotions attached to them. That’s why we remember them. Emotions connected with events are what make memories. Some sad, some happy. But memorable nonetheless.

One such moment happened a few weeks ago. Nicole and I were riding in the car, I was minding my own stable thinking business. We were talking about Nicole’s choices for colors for her kitchen – towels, dishes, accent place-mats, napkins. You know, fun decorating stuff. Happy colors. Happy talk.

Then it hit me. Nicole was not only deciding how she wanted to furnish her apartment, but this apartment also means means: SHE IS GOING TO LIVE WITH A BOY!!!!!!!!

Ok. A Man. A very nice, kind, loving, protective, gentle, smart, funny, God-loving MAN!! BUT SHE IS GOING TO BE LIVING WITH HIM!

Don’t judge me. I do know that when people get married, most of the time they live TOGETHER afterwards. But the real life picture … my daughter making her home, living with a man … it hit me. It’s moments like these, I realize how real this all is. It’s all good, but sometimes the truth of it catches me off balance.

Of course, I am okay with it all . . . I have had time to get over it. I understand how this goes. It’s funny how some things take on new meaning when it’s your own kids.

And thus, the nature of my journey over these last months and the ones to come. I am enjoying every moment of it all. It’s real.

Life is good.

Love is in the air!

February 14, 2012 in love, relationships, romance with 0 Comments

You need to be one of those that sends 190 million Valentines today. It’s not too late. Make a card, buy a card, write a love note. There’s still time.

It’s always the right day and time to tell the people you love that you love them.

Above all, remember that God loves you today.

“We know what real love is because Jesus gave up His life for us. So we also ought to give up our lives for our brothers and sisters. . . Dear children, let’s not merely say that we love each other; let us show the truth by our actions. Our actions will show that we belong to the truth . . .” (1 John 3:16-19)

“Let us continue to love one another, for love comes from God.” (1 John 4:7)

“We love each other because He loved us first.” (1 John 4:19)

Love deeply today.

A House of Cards (Birthday, that is)

February 13, 2012 in family, goals, managing life, wives instruction with 0 Comments

“She carefully watches everything in her household and suffers nothing from laziness . . .” Proverbs 31:27

Birthday weekends are the best!

My family and friends sure know how to help someone (me) feel loved and special. I am so grateful for every note, card, balloon, coconut cake (oh my word that was outrageous!) dinner, gift — including a surprise weekend visit by my son. The people in my life are truly the most generous people ever.

My husband gave me a deck of cards for my birthday. Odd? Maybe. But mostly significant. It was symbolic – 52 cards in the deck — well, you get the picture. But that one little deck of cards has really been speaking to me. This may seem like a stretch, but each one of those cards represents one year of my life so far. How I choose to use these “cards” is up to me.

I can leave them in the box. Never get out of the box. Stay in a very safe zone. No challenges there.

I can play with my cards – Depending on my age: Go Fish, War, Gin Rummy, Solitaire, Spoons — Games to play when my kids are little, games to play when you want to be alone, and games (and time) for celebrations and parties.

I can build with the cards — very carefully. With steady hands, a good plan, and a little time, I can make those cards stand up and become something – a project, a house, a dream pursued. I can take some risks with those cards.

My life’s pursuit comes back to Proverbs 31: “She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs without fear of the future. When she speaks, her words are wise, and she gives instructions with kindness.”

Let’s play our cards well.

Birthdays are good for me!

February 10, 2012 in family with 1 Comment

And this shall be my motto … especially today!

I am thankful for everyday of this past year, and I am looking forward to all that God has for me in this brand new one before me.

Celebrating with my family tonight and perhaps enjoying some coconut cream pie too!

One cup at a time . . . then WOW!

February 8, 2012 in creativity, goals, imagination, teenagers with 0 Comments

One cup at a time . . .

That’s how they did this. One cup at time . . . and yet huge impact.

This is a picture of a Senior Prank completed in the wee hours of one extremely early (late?) spring morning. My son sent us this photo to give a preview of some industrious ingenuity by a mighty fine Senior High School Class of 2010. This created quite a stir that morning when everyone arrived at school.

This kind of feat takes planning, team work, communication, creativity, and probably lots of coffee.

One cup . . . one step . . . yeah, one step at a time . . . over and over and over again. Consistency, sticking with it, not giving up — it makes big impact.

It will make big impact in your life. One day at a day. You can do it. Stick with it. Step by step. Don’t give up.

Long term . . . it will make a big impact — in your life.

Don’t give up.

Turning around a rough day

February 7, 2012 in managing life, prayer with 0 Comments

We all have tough days. You know the kind that seem to knock the wind out of your sails … make you feel like you just stopped moving forward . . . like a punch in the stomach, and you double over just to catch your breath again.

Some days are rough like that. They come in the form of unexpected bad news, emergencies, child sickness, unplanned car repair expenses, disappointment in a friend or family member’s choices, or unjust treatment. Something. There are “somethings” that come up. Sometimes they linger.

But I have good news! You and I don’t have to stay in that rough place. Days like this I need to know there’s hope, a promise, and as corny as this sounds — a better tomorrow.

Psalm 16 has the words I need:

Keep me safe, O God, for I have come to you for refuge. I said to the Lord, “You are My Master! Every good thing I have comes from you.” (Vs 1-2)

Lord, You alone are my inheritance, my cup of blessing. You guard all that is mine. The land You have given me is a pleasant land. What a wonderful inheritance! (Vs 5-6)

I will bless the Lord who guides me, even at night my heart instructs me. I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken, for He is right beside me. No wonder my heart is glad, and I rejoice. My body rests in safety. (Vs 7-9)

You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of Your presence and the pleasures of living with You forever. (Vs 11)

Right words at the right time. Grateful.

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